donderdag 7 februari 2013

Saar 1

Neuro Borreliose Lyme, Saar's story

01-30-'13: Today Sarhea had to be admitted in the hospital in Nijmegen. She had just arrived in Germany a day before, to start treatment by a specialist Doctor in Rheinbach...but as her swallowing reflexes weaken, she won't be able to handle her own saliva and she had to be admitted. She needs a white piece of cloth in her mouth to get rid of her saliva...

On her way to the Radboud hospital

Sarhea apped me: I knew when I'd need to go to the hospital I'd be parted from my family. But to know it is different then feeling it. Feeling it hurt.

My dearest Angelika arrived around 10 PM last night with Jaap and Marietta. We laughed a bit, smoked a sigaret, spend time together. But then there was the night. And I was all alone in the silent darkness. Even though Angelika was there, I was alone.

Even with my husband Maikel present, who rubbed my aching muscles. 
I was alone.
There and then, in silence, knowing became hurting.

I will leave for Nijmegen in a few hours, then what?? I was scared. Annoyed. I am aching. It hurts so bad. That stupid piece of cloth, I can't breathe. I am in physical pain, but also I feel severe mental pain at the moment. Nijmegen! Wait a minute! Do I really want to go? Will I be able to go?? And what about my kids?? My dearest children!

In the silence of the darkness, I felt it, I knew it. And it hurt.

I shouldn't be so worried. That's not good for my body. But telling yourself not to worry makes you worry even more. Now it's dawn. We will leave soon. I am fairly calm. I don't even remember what I said last night. Sorry dear Maikel and Angelika. Sorry for what I said.

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